Do you ever just stare at your cat and think “what is wrong with me that at some point I thought that having a TINY ANIMAL roam my personal space would be a good idea?”

I saw a Fancy Feast commercial that had a smugfaced ahole cat looking entitled while the voice over says something about doing something good for your cat to show him/her/IT how you feel. I threw the guitar I was strumming at the television set and kicked over a chair. THAT’S how I feel about the glass-breaking, whiny, box-spring-ruining fur bombs.

Cats are tiny demons sent from hell to annoy you and to possibly suck the breath from you while you sleep. My cat and my new stepcat are currently displaying zombie-like qualities — the 28 Days Later zombie. Stupid and fast. I think we all hate our cats. That’s why Target carries the “I Hate Cats” selection of ties and hats and handbags. And that’s why we buy them. Your cat doesn’t want to wear a rooster cap or a fake mustache. Your cat just wants to pee in a box you left on the floor and then poke its head in the cake batter you’re making. There is no reason to have a cat. Cats are not investments.

Alpacas are.

I urge you to request the informational package for “Freedom Alpacas,” in which I have recently purchased a small share. I don’t know what alpacas do or what they are, all I know is that we don’t eat them yet and the woman pictured on the pamphlet seems to enjoy what she’s doing. She’s wearing a bandanna and pets an alpaca (it’s like a llama?) and she’s smiling. SOLD.