I am an imaginary “Wheel of Fortune” champ, though I occasionally enjoy some “Jeopardy.” My favorite part is the awkward, pre-planned story that Alex forces each contestant to tell, like, “I understand once you bought your sister a book for her birthday and she already had a copy,” or “Marilyn — who says here has done a handstand in a hotel pool?” And Marilyn will giggle and elaborate by repeating back what Alex just told her but add something extra boring onto it. Bjor-ing. Though were I to abandon my “WOF” training (which just involves doing three-fourths of the “Style Weekly” crossword puzzle and then demanding recognition from Richard that I am smart because I can answer the puzzles quickly when I watch “WOF” once a month). Oh, wait. Where was I going with this? Right. My intro on “Jeopardy” would be about how I ate two pieces of tres leches cake at the wedding party of my best pal and my future best pal by marriage. Then we got to take two pieces home!

Also I am now a master of English and can do things with my spare time like organize dinosaurs to stand on pandas in order to be eaten by other dinosaurs.

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