I am completing my sixth month as a homeowner, and since we have had no major repairs, two weddings, eight births, and four attempted murders foiled due in part to people being touched by our home, I thought I would open the ol’ mailbox and answer some questions from you young homeowners out there who would like to benefit from my wisdom.

How do you keep your house from being robbed?

Ah, easy.  First, buy the smallest house you can find and make sure it looks like the other four houses around it.  People will assume you are too poor to own anything nice enough to steal.  They are sort of right.

How long do you live in a house before you know it’s haunted?

As a member of Boo Club, I know for certain that immediately upon unpacking, you can tell if your house is haunted.  Signature signs of ghosts: things being knocked over, hoots and wails of “you don’t belong here/get out of my house,” etc, and also the sight of ghosts.  These may be confused with signs of buying a home that was previously foreclosed, or also a sign of having cats.

Seriously.  Three days.  GHOSTS ARE SCARY.

With the warm weather,  my hubby and I have noticed an increase of ants in our  house, and are afraid that is a sign of other vermin, such as mice.  What are some organic ways to get rid of pests?

According to my favorite blog that is not written by anyone I know, you can use stuff from your spice cabinet, like bay leaves or teeny guns.

Back in your Museum District/Northside days, you and your buddy Susan were vocal opponents of possums.  Any updates?  How are you handling possums in the Southside?

What?

I mean, when you see them now, are you still scared?

What do you mean, when I see them.  Have you seen any?

No, I don’t even live near you.  I live on a houseboat.

CRAP CRAP CRAP.  I thought this stuff didn’t happen to homeowners.  I thought possums were a rental issue.

What?  Of course not.  They are everywhere.

I think I’m going to be sick.

My partner and I are disagreeing on paint colors.  How did you and Richard decide on what colors to paint your house?

Now that you mention it, when I was driving to the gym, I saw a freshly killed possum on Forest Hill Ave.  It was so bright and large.  It makes me ill to think that as I type this, they are crawling all over my backyard, on my car, reading my recycled magazines, licking my seedlings.  I need to move.

possum loving

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