September 2009


Cheeseburger cupcakes made for me by my sister.

And a red velvet cake made by Susan.

I want the remainder of my life to be filled with beautiful cakes given to me, and I want to share the first pieces with my best pals and then eat the rest alone in a dark kitchen.

We have been gifted a Roku, with which we can watch our instant Netflix queue through our TV.  This means two things: we watch A LOT of TV reruns now, and I have no interest in our regular Netflix queue. Actually, it means a third thing: I have no interest in anything else other than occasionally turning compost or making dinner.*  Managing Netflix Classic has been an epic battle of good v. evil — the evil being that it sucks up a lot of social/productive time slots, but with only three discs at a time I could occasionally do other things like get married and maintain healthy friendships with other Netflix users.

Now with Netflix Total I have the opportunity to suck all of my time with all sorts of TV shows, movies, documentaries.  I can watch “1776” and all seasons of “Kate and Allie” — there were 20 of them!  Evil wins!  Hooray!

My near constant viewing of “the Office” during my leisure time will lead to a book-length essay on giving up on career goals for the sake of office pranks/ease/Jim. I think the Jim/Pam dynamic says a lot about how we let aspirations fade away as we find someone we can connect with.  That’s how I feel about Roku.  And by “book-length essay” I mean “sentence in a blog post.”

Also, Steve Carell lost approximately 100 pounds between seasons one and two.  the-office-cast_1238002190

*turning compost is potentially gross, and I found a grub that was the size of my arm slowly poking out after I had flipped the compost bin.  It appeared angry.  Nature works in horrible, vomit-inspiring ways.

Casual conversation I imagine that all of  my readers had in the past week:*

Gentle Reader 1: I wonder what crazy things Richard and Kelly are eating in San Francisco and when Kelly will document every calorie consumed.

Gentle Reader 2: What?

So, despite the huge demand to know what we ate, I didn’t feel particularly inspired to map it out.   We ate well (and a lot), but other than the It’s It and Nick’s Crispy Tacos, there wasn’t much exciting happening on our plates.  Richard may tell it differently. San Francisco, home to the prettiest sights you’ll ever see, doesn’t  have a BBQ of its own, though I guess that SF BBQ would be a normal barbeque sandwich that cost 20% more than it needed to.

Otherwise we did the normal SF stuff: Alcatraz, avoided eye contact with panhandlers, visited  the Musee Mecanique,  spent a day at the CA Academy of Sciences, and walked a million miles (my body is eventually going to reject my regime of vigorous exercise followed by a pizza-eating contest).  San Francisco was a beaut.  It was cool to hang out with my little bit of family out there, and I slept like a champ every night.  Vacation rules.

Other things of note:

– I have Foo Fighters on my iPod

– We apparently have no idea what real Mexican food is like, and Anthony Bourdain thinks poorly of us because of this

– It’s always a treat to go to a bar that is just a bar.  Oh, Virginia and your laws.  We went to Aub Zam Zam and we had the best martinis, gimlets, and Old Fashioneds.

-It’s It ice cream treats are as delicious as Richard has claimed all these years.  And I say hooray to In-N-Out Burger cheeseburgers, but no hooray to the fries.

-Richard wanted me to tell everyone that he ate three  to four sausages in one day (two for lunch and one to two for dinner). He’d tell you himself but he’s currently having heart attacks all over the place.  I also agreed to try Dim Sum.  Basically I hate eating anything that’s not a taco.

*I also like to imagine that I have readers.


Things to do before I turn 30:

1. buy paper towels

2. turn in our cell phone rebates

3. go to San Francisco*

4. try to market and sell the phrase “There’s No App For That.”  Examples:

a. Tourism: “New River Gorge Bridge, West Virginia: There’s No App for That.”

b. Medical awareness: “Adult Onset Diabetes: There’s No App for That.”

c. End of meaningful dialogue statements: “Jesus: There’s No App for That.”


d. Open an all hot snack store.  “Bacon and fried chicken? There’s an App for That.”

I think all of these statements will make people remember that life can’t be lived electronically and also you can eat more bacon with things.

5.  Meet all other life ‘s goals

Things to do before I turn 40 include “read a book written between 1900 and 1960” and probably something else involving cell phone rebates.

*this is happening next week