I have heard many times that it’s important that I talk to the baby.  People swear that the music they played or books they read play a part in what their child is into (because, you know, normally kids don’t like music or reading). I’m not sure that the baby knows the difference between when I’m talking to it and when I’m talking in general, but now that we’re in the home stretch I’ve been trying hard to address little thing baby directly (we call it Toast — which is  a long story)(actually, it’s a short story).

Here are some transcripts of recent conversations that will no doubt aid in the development of my son/daughter.

“Hi Toast, it’s Mom.  My name is Kelly.  I’m driving home from work.  Well, ‘Marketplace’ is on.  Catch you later.”

“It’s Mom.  We’re driving by a kid riding a bike on a busy street without a helmet while facing traffic and texting.  Please don’t do that.”

“I think Buffy’s been super bitchy this season.  Faith is one of the best developed characters on the show, and I’m glad she’s there to take Buffy down a peg.  I can’t remember if Buffy gets more likeable toward the end of the season.  I think I would like Buffy more if I could relate to her or not shudder in disgust whenever she and Spike talk.”

“Hi, it’s your mom, Kelly.  I don’t know if I want you to love Doritos because I love them, or if I want you to hate them because I don’t want to share them with you.”

“I’m sorry that I’ve spent more money on behavior-modifying products for the cats than I have on baby stuff.  It’s not because I don’t love you, it’s just that I’m trying to make the cats miserable and inactive before you arrive.”

“That was the dog.”

“Toast, it’s Mom.  I’m so excited to meet you.  Maybe after that I will have other things to say.”

Bunk and Toast.