There are very few movies that speak to what it’s like being in your late ’20s-early ’30s (other than “How I Met Your Mother,” which I have just been informed is not a movie).  Hollywood in general has hired me to come up with a few pitches with expected production ASAP, though the only catch is that I wasn’t able to start from any original ideas.  Here’s what I came up with:

Hackers 2010

All the old faves are here, but they’ve traded the puffy vinyl coats and house music for Subarus and Broken Social Scene albums downloaded to their iPhones.  When domestic boredom kicks in they reunite for one more caper: hacking into the Martin’s grocery database to inflate their fuel perks! balances.  Will they succeed?  Will Angelina reprise her role?  Did that guy from “Trainspotting” get any better at an American accent?  I don’t know, either!

Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

This follows four friends as they pass on from one pregnancy to the next a pair of jeans bought on clearance at Target’s maternity section.  Don’t expect any exotic locales or Summers When Everything Changes, but there will be plenty of waddling, slipping while doing yoga, and sleepless nights as the pants see each woman through the most uncomfortable and overwhelming months of their lives.  Spoiler: all of them get pizza sauce on the pants.

Justin’s Song

A group of college pals reunite for a long weekend following a mutual friend’s funeral.  The wine flows, the late ’90s music bangs on, and the relationships get more complicated as they play board games and try to figure out who Justin Bieber is.

Singles II: Breaking Up 3-D

For consistency’s sake this is set ten years after the original movie, but only because Matt Dillon has held up pretty well.  Old and new characters band together for a Citizen Dick reunion show to benefit medical expenses for the drummer (Eddie Vedder!).  Everyone returns to Seattle and are either newly married, newly single, or still single and chasing those same dreams as before.  Expect cameos galore, including Bill Pullman as a career counselor instead of plastic surgeon who asks a young artist who isn’t meeting her potential, “Do you blog?” (phew, that was a big set up for a dumb joke made 5 years ago).  Will the men still go for 22-year-olds?  Will the women keep dating each other’s ex-boyfriends?  Will Eddie Vedder’s bills get paid?  In 3-D?

Oh my God!  All excellent choices.  I will add them to my Netflix queue immediately after they’re made.  This is not just a long-winded way of telling Christophile that I got pizza sauce all over the pants she lent me.