I love Doritos.  I served them at my wedding.  And received them as wedding gifts.  And my birth plan involved eating an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos while sitting in a tub.  In fact, while I call my daughter “Jr. Associate” throughout the bjournal, her real name is D’Rita Ellen (the boy’s name we had picked out was LL Cool Ranch).  If I had to give up all junk food save one item, I would choose Doritos.

But like all good things, I try not to buy Doritos because I will eat a bag in a 24-hour period and I don’t feel the need to share.  The first few chips are the most delicious, crisp chips to ever eat.  I don’t have that part of the body that says “stop eating this!” when it comes to Doritos.  I’ll eat half a bag while leaning against the kitchen counter, and then I feel ashamed and lash out at others while covered in orange powder.

I had unfinished bags of Cool Ranch & Nacho Cheese leftover from a party this past weekend, and I had finished them both by Tuesday evening (if I didn’t have to work they would have been finished by 9 a.m. Monday).  On both Monday and Tuesday I went straight to the chips after work, and since I have a child, I had to share (ugh) because she has learned to say “chip, please,” and even I can’t refuse that.  I dug through the bag to find her a broken chip — because whole ones are unsafe? — all the while eating probably a serving of whole chips, and when I handed her a chip she thanked me (well, she actually thanked her babysitter, whose name she’s says after every “thank you”).  She squealed with delight after each chip, and basically reenacted the warehouse scene from “Footloose” which caused her to get an orange film on everything.

By the time I was ready to pack up the bag she had orange face and fussed when I cut her off, and I felt guilty that I was getting her to love junk food.  It is totally within my power to keep her from eating chips, but I let her because it’s something I do.  And it’s not one of those things that I can say “as kids we ate junk food all the time and we’re okay,” because we’re not — we’re fat and sick and can’t handle the concept of portion control. Because I can’t give up bad habits I’m passing them on to my child.

So, parent lesson #212 – eat chips alone, preferably after everyone is asleep.

Nevermind that I also will eat a cantaloupe with the same zeal, and if I learned anything from being pregnant it’s that cantaloupe has the same nutrients as a leafy green vegetable.  I also feel like I should add a disclaimer that I feed my child well-rounded meals in addition to pumping her with Doritos.  Obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn’t care that she eats chips.