November 2012


I have hinted to this before, but I am terrible at completing home improvements. We have been in our home four years this week, and the only things we’ve done are a couple of not-great paint jobs, installed a dimmer switch, and had a six-foot tall fence built in the backyard that basically serves as our dog’s way of giving us the middle finger every time she climbs over it. Our house is decorated, and we clean it and stuff, but we haven’t done anything to keep it in shape to make it more attractive for someone to want to buy it from us when/if that time ever comes.
The inability to hang a shelf is what bothers me the most. We bought a shelf that also functions as a coat/clothes hanger for our kid’s room before she was born and we never hung it up, and it no longer goes anywhere in the room. Despite knowing this I purchased a different, smaller hanger that needs to be installed on her wall. Why haven’t I hung it up? Because we have two drills, and can’t find either power cord or battery pack to charge the drills in order to use them. Every task we have cannot be completed because of the prework before it.

Now I have shared this, it’s going to (hopefully) serve as motivation to get it done. My hope is once we get started, there isn’t any bit of home-bettering we can’t accomplish. I am going to find a battery pack, charge a drill, find a spot on the wall and hang up this stupid owl thing I bought to hang a coat or something (I don’t know what I got it for, it was purchased during an Ikea trip where everything served a purpose until I unpacked it at home). If I can’t charge the battery, I will borrow a drill.

If I can’t do that, I might as well just lock the door and leave the house to the cats.

UPDATE: After I wrote this draft the other day, I went home, found the battery and charger, and charged the drill.  But it turns out that I don’t need a drill, I can use nails.  Still, step 1 has been accomplished!  And we have like a dozen hammers around the house because we are constantly fighting the Mario Brothers.  More on that (housework, not the Mario Bros.) later.

Please, benefit from my wisdom. Here are some life lessons that have come to me from my two years as a mother.

1. Multigrain Cheerios are delicious.
2. Whole Grain Goldfish crackers are delicious.

I Wanna Be Your Suze Orman

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah*)

I have the reputation of being joyless and miserly, or at least not one to part easily with money (which isn’t totally true because what are pets good for if not a way to waste money?). However, I definitely save for a month to buy a $15 CD and things like that, so let me put this frugality to use for YOU. I am willing to start a talk show or podcast where people call me and ask if they should or should not buy something. I am a lot like Suze Orman except I wouldn’t recommend that you walk away from your mortgage. But I have a lot of the same outfits. Also: Don’t buy anything, you don’t need it.

Email Grabber

I have online profiles for about 400 things from yogurt websites to insurance plans I no longer have, and have no grasp on who I have given basic information to. I am going to team with a nerd to build a program that cracks into the internet and tracks down and possibly deletes those many emails and passwords we’ve all set up and don’t use. Although there is probably no harm in having that information out there I want it back. Also: Nerds wanted to create this! I will promote it on “I Wanna Be Your Suze Orman.”

*Sung to the tune of Sleater Kinney’s “I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone,” obviously.